Fandom and shit

sweet-sammy-kisses

All I can think about is it's Shannon who returns or who Eddie sees while he is trapped and hurt.

Shannon's Ghost: It's okay to move on. I never wanted you to grieve me and cut yourself off from happiness. I want you to find love. I want you to find the partner that I could never be. Most of all I want you to be honest with yourself.

Eddie: I don't know what you mean.

Shannon: We both know that is not true. For so long you forced yourself to play the role people expected you to be. Ask yourself why you had panic attacks when people thought Ana was Christopher's mother and your wife but you are fine with Buck being Chris second father and co-parenting him with you all these years? It was because Ana or anyone else you attempt to date wouldn't be filling my role but taking Buck's.

girls-online

eddie correcting her and saying Three Minutes And Seventeen Seconds is killing me—every second meant something. he immediately resists those seconds being reduced or belittled, as if he didn’t know each one of them as intimately as the 180 that preceded them, that can be so neatly wrapped up in what sounds so small from far away—just three minutes.

eddie knew the world without buck for 197 seconds. to say anything else, to say three minutes, is to pretend some of those don’t matter. like time without buck alive and breathing isn’t the most offensive obscenity. 197 seconds. one hundred and ninety seven seconds. that’s how long it takes for the world to end and begin again. three minutes and seventeen seconds.

princessamericachavez

Even before the episode, while rewatching old seasons, I was just struck by how big an impact Buck’s had on Eddie’s life.

Like, please, picture this:

You are Eddie Diaz, ok? An army vet who quite literally just went through an extremely traumatic experience, immediately got left by your wife and in a desperate move to find happiness for you and your son you move across the country to start a new life.

You are the new guy at work and this man about your age really has it out for you. That’s fine by you. You’ve put up with enough bullshit in the army, you are just here to do your work, it’s harder than that to get under your skin. Plus, this guy seems okay, aside from all the dick measuring, and you’re sure he’ll tire himself out if you just don’t play along. Then, oh surprise, after a single shift you give the guy one compliment and he folds completely, before you know it he’s decided you two are friends. Fine, good. You miss the army’s camaraderie. This will probably be just like that.

Few weeks in, Christopher comes up. You hesitate because you don’t like talking about your kid with strangers, but you are worried about him being out there alone during the earthquake and there’s really no way to avoid the subject forever. You’re already dreading the pity looks from people who don’t understand this kid is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Instead, you get a wide smile, “he’s super adorable, I love kids”. In retrospect, you should’ve expected it. What you don’t expect is the way Buck spends the entirety of the shift reassuring you that Chris is alright, even when you’re pretty sure you’ve done nothing to betray your worry (you know better than to panic, it does nothing to help), but Buck seems to notice anyway and keeps sprouting curiosities to reassure you. He even drives you across the torn up town at a reckless speed to make sure you can reach your son as soon as possible.

Few weeks later, abuela has an accident. Buck drives you to the hospital, even though you could’ve taken a cab to the firehouse to pick up your truck, and goes all the way in with you. He’s a good friend like that. Turns out, he’s a very good friend, because he catches you by surprise calling ahead to let the Cap know you need help with Chris and arranges a whole day of him hanging out with the 118. You didn’t ask for it, and he doesn’t expect so much as a ‘thank you’.

Next night, he makes a big deal of introducing you to a woman and you are already dreading, once again, the reveal moment when you have to explain that thank you very much but you are still married and really your only priority right now is your son and- wait, that woman is the perfect caretaker that might or might not be the solution you’ve been desperately searching for to get your and your son’s life together.

This guy you just met a few weeks ago has given you friendship, reassurance, company, thoughtful help without you ever asking (you’ve never been good at asking for it) and he’s just sitting there smiling proudly while he helps you possibly assure your kids future.

All of this… it happens in the first FOUR episodes of s2 after Eddie is introduced. No wonder he’s ~~in love~~ ride or die for Buck. Who wouldn’t be?

In a year, they are inseparable. In two years, Eddie makes him Christopher’s legal guardian in case he dies. In three, Buck saves his life. In four they are basically a family and the person Christopher goes to in a panic. Five years in, Buck is in a coma and Eddie Diaz cannot even look at him, cannot picture a world where he’s dead, cannot envision his life without him.

buttercupbuck

eddie is not someone who screams at the world.

when he’s told that shannon’s situation is bad, he immediately accepts that she is going to die. when he’s told by buck that he couldn’t find christopher, that christopher is gone, he accepts that his child is dead. eddie’s world comes down and he just…surrenders to its cruelty, and to the bitter understanding that this is the way things are. he argues with the others that he doesn’t worry about the things outside of his control, but it’s because he knows he’d never win anyway. he folds, because what other choice does he have than to accept with gritted teeth whatever torment the world chooses to inflict

so i don’t know. to see him like this? crying out for someone who’s already dead until his voice is hoarse, begging with buck’s lifeless body to respond to him, crying out against the mounting hopelessness of the situation as he fails to pull him up, as buck’s body dangles almost mockingly below him? it’s so unthinkably cruel

princessamericachavez

The whole “Eddie pretends not to remember Buck during the shooting” is giving serious “The shooting was Eddie’s oh moment” vibes which, in turn is making me insane.

The implications of Eddie being aware of his feelings for Buck during s5 and s6 are driving me up the walls. They recontextualize everything:

Eddie’s reaction when Buck teased him about getting serious with Ana
The look during the pool game
Eddie’s panic attacks
Eddie’s reluctance to tell Buck about it
Buck being the one who tells him not to ‘stick it out’ if he isn’t in love
Eddie leaving the 118
The look he gave Buck from across the bar when he felt outside the 118 and chose not to join them
Eddie jumping dispatch chain of command to talk down the car bomb
You’re the guy who wants to fix things
Buck showing up during his breakdown
Eddie opening up to him
Buck looking after Chris so he can go to therapy
The equine therapy intervention
Their reunion during May Day
The kitchen/couch scene
“What are you offering?”
“You mean your last two girlfriends came with couches”
Him and Chim sharing a look and trying to take Buck and Hen for breakfast
Buck where the hell are you going???
The donor thing!!!!!
THE LIGHTNING
Can you hear me?????
Do more!
The hospital
Everything about 6x12

If it turns out that Eddie was AWARE of his own feelings for Buck through all that I’m going to absolutely yeet myself into the fucking sun

Edit: I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THIS WOULD MEAN EDDIE KNEW HE LOVED BUCK DURING THE “It would’ve been better for him if I was the one that got shot” AND DURING THE WILL THING!!!!